Good morning everyone,
I woke up this morning after another disrupted nights sleep due to thinking about (or torturing myself) over what happened. My first thought this morning was shamefully about that, not my daughter who was asleep next to me. That’s my reality at the moment, stuck in a position, if you will. My typical day.
I wake up at 5am every morning thanks to my three year old. I am a final year student nurse, I have time off to write my dissertation at the moment; my final placement starts on July 31st, although I hardly feel prepared.. I struggle to eat breakfast as I am full of anxiety, my daughter gobbles everything up and entertains herself with her thousands of toys that litter the place. I try and focus on my dissertation but I always end up looking at rape survivor forums, partner abuse websites, ONS etc, so I normally give up feeling deflated as hell.
Lunch time is the same, gulp down food but I’m so numb these days even food is bleak. Every Wednesday in the afternoon I travel to St Albans for PTSD hypnotherapy and counselling. When it was first suggested to me I thought, ‘PTSD, me, really?’. I thought I had no right to feel the need for that, my rape had lasted fifteen seconds at most, and I was in love with the person who did it, so did I really qualify?? I spent a long time thinking about it and yes, I do qualify. I wish I didn’t but I do. Duration and prior relationships do nothing to change what it was. Sorry, I have digressed haven’t I..
I normally get back from my sessions around 7:30pm, luckily just avoiding the dreaded rush hour..! I get home feeling somewhat better, but it never lasts. I settle my daughter for the night, and pour myself a big glass of red wine. I’ll think about attempting more of my overwhelming dissertation again, but more than likely my mind will go back to what it always does, what was done to me, what happened and I’ll retire to bed, yet again with tear soaked cheeks.