Hungover and hate filled.

I had a date last night. Nice enough guy, swanky wine bar…and I just hated it. I am so scared that what happened to me has ruined any chance for finding some remote happiness with someone else, you know? I hate that. I really fucking hate that because it just terrifies me, the premise of it. Then I think about him. Not in a ex type way, more of a ‘I bet you’re finding happiness even though you did what you did, how is that even fair?’. I bet his friends, who mistakenly think he is a decent person is setting him up on dates perhaps, all the time not knowing what he is capable of doing. I have made it known but I suppose I am labelled as ‘the mad bitter ex’. That reminds me of a quote I sent him once:

“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting.  If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim.  If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens”.

(Sourced: Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery)

There is a hell of a lot of truth in that quote, sad to say. It’s something that I really struggle to get my head around, him not apologising and trying to silence me. Tell me that he can’t talk about it, sorry, what gives you that right exactly..? It’s like living in the twilight zone, honestly. What right has he bloody got to say that. Utterly laughable, he is. Utterly pathetic. This is someone who bought me an engraved wedding ring and asked me to elope, so to go from that to not even allowing me closure from what he did? What an absolute piece of vermin, to know this is absolutely ruining me and that I am at a complete standstill, I dunno, I don’t think I could ever do that to a person, least of all one I spent so long claiming to love, it’s farcical in my eyes. His avoidance technique really is something to behold, but my god, so much drama could have been removed if he just credited my daughter and I with a simple apology, because let’s not forget, my daughter is having to witness all of this as well as Mummy breaking down, a lot. We are products of our environment, and this one, it’s fucking miserable.

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