Wondering how I got it (him) so, so wrong. 

I blogged the other night, about him. The one who did this to me. The one that has taught me more about people in the past few months than he ever did while we were together. 

Rape. 

It’s a horrible word, isn’t it? It makes me feel hot and sick. It makes me want to cry, hide myself and just cry. That makes me sound pathetic I know, I suppose it’s not something you can understand in the slightest until you’ve had to experience it. But let me put it this way:

You trust someone. You love them with every single bit of you, you’ve trusted them into your child’s life. Your soul mate, best friend and partner in every single way, mentally, emotionally and physically. Then that person takes advantage of you when you’re in a real vulnerable position. Stop it and no being completely ignored. For a long time I believed that it was an accident, but how can you possibly not realise that someone is struggling underneath you? Seriously? Someone trying to push you off and pushing against your shoulders, how can you POSSIBLY mistake that as something else? He told me numerous times that it wasn’t rape, it was throes of passion. I am ashamed to admit that a few times, through my sheer love for him I agreed. I didn’t want him to feel upset, so I agreed. It wasn’t throes of passion and it’s scary isn’t it, that he said it and actually meant that- actually believed it. Stop trying to justify what you did, it was rape and you know it was rape. We both know that it was. 

Meeting him made my life seem so much brighter. The long love letters, the meals out, day trips, family days out, nights away, 5* restaurants…memories. He knew he had my trust, entirely and completely and I think that’s why it hurts so much. He knew he had it and he still abused me in that way. 

Truthfully, I think rape is worse when it’s done by someone that you loved at the time. I am not, at all, not on the slightest trying to diminish people that go through with with a stranger. What I mean is, well, of its a stranger then you are free to hate them from the off, you know? No other emotion is required except sheer fucking anger. When you have loved that person? You feel such overwhelming guilt even thinking badly of this person, even though they rape you..  You feel guilty for even talking about it. Your heart breaks for making people have a dim view of that person, even though it’s 100% deserved because of THEIR actions, it doesn’t stop it from ripping you apart. The person that you love being shown in such a bad light, I cried a lot when he was outed, although it was my decision,  there were a lot of tears, not through relief either. 

I protected him for a year. The entire time I put his feelings before my own. I didn’t deem myself as important as he was. Wrong, so wrong. I completely sabotaged my life in order to keep his above the water. It breaks me into pieces really. How much I did for this ‘person’, even after doing what he is guilty of doing to me, I don’t know if that makes me weak or if it makes me strong? 

Sometimes I hate myself. Much more often that sometimes actually, try all the time. I hate myself for staying with someone who did that to me. I HATE myself for convincing myself for a long time that it didn’t bother me and that I shouldn’t allow myself to think about it because it would upset him. Most of all, most of all I absolutely detest myself for being made to feel like a victim, staying quiet when he leant close to me and said ‘it was throes of passion, and anyway, you can’t prove otherwise’. 

I want you to know that you are wrong. So wrong. I can prove otherwise, you’re the coward- not me. I want you to feel as scared as I did. I want you to wonder why I’ve gone quiet, what am I thinking? Have I started the court case proceedings yet? Or have I simply decided to stop the hurt and moved on? 

I want this to hang over your head for life, like a proverbial noose, because THAT and only that is what is deserved, absolutely nothing less. 

‘He’ used to tell me that the trait that he loved most about me was my fierce determination.. Well, I hope he’s running scared now that ‘fierce determination’ is all guns blazing, to have him experience just one tenth of what that abusive worm put me through. 

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