Always being questioned..

I always seem to be having to explain myself, even though I’m the one who was wronged, seems really stupid to me.

I imagine people (stupid ones) might read my posts and tar me as a bitter ex. Firstly no. Absolutely not. What happened to me, the rape, happened two weeks before my birthday in April 2016 and more importantly, I was in love. People might wonder why I never said anything at the time, well, love has the ability to make you a fucking idiot, doesn’t it? Also, it took a great deal of time to lose all that love I had, and once it vanished it became so apparent that the bad feelings, the anger, the hatred, the disbelief and upset had been there the entire time, I just hadn’t let myself see it. I imagine that sounds so stupid to people that haven’t found themselves in that situation, I guess.

 So now, it’s a case of I don’t care one little bit about his life, what he’s up to etc, I honestly could not care less. I think he is awful, abusive and just the polar opposite of what he portrayed himself as, I really do and what a monumental change that is, in itself. What I do care about and am not letting go, is the injustice of it, how morally corrupt the act is, and that, well, the fucker shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it really.

 I find myself in a horrible position of having put a crime report in, which was you know, brilliant and a real positive step, but not being emotionally strong enough in the slightest to act on it yet. On average rape court cases can be two years in duration and truthfully, that would kill me at the moment. There is no way I have that much fight in me. I am not an idiot, I know it would b hard going right now, it would be like being abused all over again I’d imagine, so I have turned to other ways to get by at the moment. 

This, my blog, writing, I love the chance of catharsis because as I have said before, I don’t get any respite from this situation, even when I try my hardest. The act itself has seeped into every area of my life, I guess that’s why I am so set on getting an apology, because of the huge impact it has had, there is not one part of my life that has not been affected as a direct result of his disgusting actions, and what’s more is that, he’s gotten away with it hasn’t he, it’s me with the life sentence at he moment and how wrong is that. I barely sleep because I dream about it happening again, I wake with a jolt because I dream that I’m struggling to push someone off (horrible isn’t it). If I focus then I can relive it all, the feel of the t shirt against my palm, the overpowering smell of his lynx that now makes my stomach drop if I happen to walk past someone wearing it. You know, I wonder if that stuff will ever get better, you know? People always think it’s just the act itself, but it’s not, it’s everything of that time that reminds you. Every little detail that takes you back to that point. It’s life ruining.

I try and be the better person but it’s so hard. So hard. All I want to do is send his confession (yes, his confession) to everyone that thinks he’s decent, because surely that is what he deserves? I protected this person, if he can be called that I mean, for an entire year. I told myself daily that what I felt (incredibly hurt) was not as important as what he felt, so I shut up and put up. Incredibly wrong in hindsight, isn’t it? I am not naive, not in the slightest. I am sure that I have been labelled as a mental ex, or bitter, or just a liar even? I fully expect that because, well, he’s a coward and character assassination is coward 101.. To remove all attention off of him, to make me out to bad one.. Now, during this hard time, and you know something, my life has not been easy at all, the last thing I need to be bothering myself with is explaining my actions.

I am someone who is just trying to get some fucking justice. No one deserves what happened to me, male or female, no one. No should always be listened to and so called ‘love’ should NEVER stop you from listening to your gut instinct. 

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