An all time low. 

Sitting crying in St Albans City Centre. 15 minutes until my appointment. 

I hate myself. I hate that he had the power to ruin me like this. I hate that my daughter has to witness me like this, more often that not because I don’t have the strength to even fight it off anymore. I hate that daily I relieve the whole thing, the pain, both emotional and physical. Yeah so the act lasted lasted less than half a minute, but fucking hell the damage is untold. 

I hate that I’m nowhere near strong enough to battle him head on. I hate that I don’t even recognise myself anymore. 

Fake smiles, fake laughter, fake trust. Fake life. 

I hate that I can’t work out if I’m strong or if I’m pathetically weak. 

I hate him for what he did and has caused me. I hate that a few good days is combated by a few awful days. 

I hate me. I hate what I’ve become. Innocent, but guilty at the same time.. 

I hate thinking of him being able to perhaps think of what he did perhaps once a day, when I think of fuck all else, when I am UNABLE to think of anything else, rather. 

Getting myself heard is one thing, but fixing myself? Where do I even start, eh? 

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One thought on “An all time low. 

  1. Hi friend
    There are so may words to say, we’d spend a week chatting. The way you survive, find a way back to yourself is one foot in front of the other. Not an easy task, I could have written the same post several times in my life. My hope is your Therapist can help you break down the feelings, yourself, him and your future. The lines get blurry when the wounds are fresh.
    The more complicated but needed is for you to surround yourself with positives, no haters, no hanger ons, sometimes that can cause more short term pain. You may desire short term relief unfortunately you have a long term issues to work out.
    Push yourself, if you have to say it’s out of love for your daughter then do it. Push to move slowly out of comfort zone, reach deep within a remember your child needs her mother to love her, not just with words but with actions. By allowing yourself to spend more positive time with your daughter should help relieve so pain and turn you back towards the good mother you are.
    Don’t stomp down your feelings, give yourself a break for your Childs sake and the reward will lift your spirit.
    If you are waiting for an apology chances are it’s not coming, people like him, take and take then leave. It has nothing to do with you as a wife or best friend. The flaw is with him. He is missing a heart.
    Hitting and raping you were the biggest red flags, one I’m sure won’t miss in the future. He wanted to continue to degrade you and control you. It’s in no way being weak, it’s not seeing it happen like an outsider would. You will survive if that is your desire and nature. It’s not an easy road alone and for sure not with a child. She depends on you, you may feel weak right now, in the future you can be strong, a good role model for all who come thru your path.
    Work hard with your Therapist, work on the anger and where it’s coming from, not how bad you feel. Resolving the root cause will in time give you confidence and self worth.
    I’m always around if you want to chat.
    M

    Like

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