I’ve made it pretty darn clear that I am chronically exhausted. Like, my body rests but my brain does not switch off. Not at all, hence the extreme exhaustion! My therapist today taught me a technique to help stop the intrusive thoughts from occurring. The rape is my first thought of the day, I hate it. I have said before that the human brain has over 70,000 thoughts a day, and the majority of mine are tied in with the rape in some way. It’s exhausting, it’s upsetting, no, fuck that, it is devestating. Yes, reader, the rape happened once back in April 2016, but they way I have been living, the experience is a daily occurrence and the experience, th flashbacks, they are every bit invasive and horrendous as the act itself. Let’s make no mistake.
Anyway, the new and exciting technique! It’s called the FIT and it stands for:
- F – Find.
- I – Identify
- T – Transform
My therapist described my thought process as a highway, a highway that is chock-a-block with traffic and potholes. Each bit of traffic and pothole represents thoughts about the rape and all the negative feelings I have towards myself because of it. He then opened me up to the idea of creating a little slip road, if you will. This slip road will direct my traffic (thoughts and cognition) away from that highway, around it, bypassing it. Sounds like heaven to me.
When I have a thought about the rape now, he wants me to find it, identify that as what it is and then to transform it, distract myself basically, with any task. Repetition is the key here apparently, according to him the more I repeat the quicker it will become natural for me to not think how I was before.
I’m sceptical. My inner voice is telling me that obviously the therapist is underestimating just how monumentally fucked up I am presently. Still, I will try. Two weeks until my next appointment so there is plenty of time to practice controlling my thoughts.
I haven’t exactly got anything to lose by trying after all, have I..
Here’s hoping this technique is the turning point for me.