Why?

Two weeks ago he used his old number to call my house phone. I picked up and he rung off. It’s his old SIM card so when I tried to call back it wouldn’t go through, cowardly, eh. It was the 23rd of June. I have mentioned in a previous post that the 23rd of each month is the anniversary of when we said goodbye to our baby.

I don’t know why he called.

Maybe to tell me that he hates me as much as I hate him? Maybe to tell me to leave him alone, to stop reminding him of the crime that he committed against me (he doesn’t deserve to spend a single minute of the day being able to think of anything else, in my opinion) I’m guilty of sending harsh letters, reminding him of what a piece of shit he is, my duty, I feel. Perhaps it was to taunt me, reminding me about seeing in the anniversary completely by myself, isolated. I would like to think it’s because he has spent the last month (23rd of May was when I put the crime report in against him) scared and that shred of human decency that I am sure he possesses, somewhere told him that he needs to apologise for what he did..

That is highly doubtful, though. I am just sick of waiting and hoping for an apology. Yes an apology would be an admission of guilt, but Christ alive, I have his worded confession already, so what’s stopping him? I can only conclude that he does not feel any remorse for it. That’s the thing with indoctrination isn’t it, I feel bad even now talking about him being a bad person, I feel bad for even saying out loud what he did – rape.

It’s brain washing, I feel guilty for having outed him as abusive, because 99% of the time he was a decent and good guy, but on the other hand, no, he wasn’t. Argh, he had that much power that he still has me doubting myself.  I hate him, my first love but fucking hell I wish I had never met him, I never thought I would reach this point. I just feel so wronged, I don’t know where or how to even start to rebuild myself. How to stop being a victim and become a survivor..?  I had my PTSD session today in St Albans, I burst into tears on the way there and cried in public, full scale sobbing, uncontrollably, pathetically.

I just want my mind back, you know?

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