I never believe things, not really, and I am full of what my therapist calls ‘self limiting beliefs’; so I have been highly doubtful regarding the hypnosis that I have been receiving.
I’ll tell you what though, it has been so gut wrenching and so emotional to experience. When I feel my body relaxing and I mean every muscle unclenching, well it is the most alien experience. It’s such a bizarre feeling to me. Then I realised something. I have been so unbelievably tense for the past year, terrifyingly so. For my body to relax completely and my brain, my poor, overworked and anxious brain to stop whirring about the rape for a few blissful minutes, to know that is a unique experience, how sad is that?
What a waste of a year.
I know that it’s down to me and even though currently it doesn’t feel like it, all of this is a choice, it is. As mad as that is to say..
Yes, I was raped. Once. It hurt me, he hurt me. Physically as well as emotionally, please don’t ever doubt or forget that because I won’t (can’t). But the realisation is that, me relieving it daily, reliving the pain, the smells, the aches, the words, the struggle, the shattering realisation of what he is, my trust being smashed to nothing, the whole situation – it’s a choice.
I am torturing myself daily over something I had no control over, how grossly unfair am I being to myself? He’s the enemy, not me.
I think I could do with remembering that sometimes.
That’s easy to say though isn’t it.