I realise that it is me that is hurting myself now. Yes, he raped me, but it was once. It is me and only me that forces myself to relieve it everyday, the rut I have got stuck in is nothing but self abusive. I came to that realisation with the help of my therapist (I still feel mental saying that).
I honestly believe that it is something that you couldn’t possible even begin to understand without going through it yourself. The act, well as immoral and disgusting as it is, it does provide you with a steep learning curve. To feel not only your body but also your trust be violated so harshly; so easily, well honestly its soul destroying, especially when you did trust that person more than anyone else.
See, steep learning curve, eh!
That realisation was a very emotional one, I won’t lie about that. It dawned on me that yes, he really hurt me, physically and emotionally, but, I am the one who is guilty of hurting myself now. I like to think that puts me in a positive position now, a position that can lead to change, rather than staying put. Fingers crossed anyway..!
I don’t know whether it is the sheer exhaustion, but it feels like a completely different life now, distant and hazy. I am taking that as a blessing. Like I said I don’t know whether that is due to being fed up, overtired, stressed or not caring anymore, but it feels out of reach now. Well, I know its not the latter because I am still very angry in regards to the rape and I do keep hounding that point home (ref, his missed call to my house phone two weeks ago, so something clearly riled the piece of vermin), but it is just getting easier and easier lately to not have my entire judgement so…clouded.
I’m not sure if that even makes sense! I doubt anything I say or think makes much sense lately.
Oh, hey! Perhaps it is just an amazingly quick turn around in my thinking due to the F.I.T Technique that my therapist taught me to combat the intrusive thoughts regarding the rape.
- F – Find
- I – Identify
- T – Technique
Hey, I’m sold.