That’s what it was described as, the rape.. A life experience. That really belittles what I went through, I feel.
I’m sitting on the beach, on my own, and honestly I’ve been fighting tears for about an hour or so. This is what I hate. This is what I am so angry about. This. I isolate now. Every single area of my life, that fucker’s actions have seeped into and I, at the moment feel so powerless to fight it off. That bloody, disgusting and immoral coward has made me as weak as he is, that does not sit well with me one little bit, let me be honest.
You know, I research things. It helps me sort of diminish their power in my mind, if I read about them and not ignore, probably sounds mad but I cling to anything that helps me through, at the moment. I researched partner abuse, as I identify with that these days, another this that I hate. I’ll come onto my findings and disgusting statistics in a while, but I’m thinking faster than I’m able to type right now.
I have spoken to numerous ‘professionals’ regarding my feelings about my ‘life experience’. They belittled it completely. Stating that everyone has a degree of victim blame in their everyday lives and why is it bothering me so much? Or my favourite one being ‘you’re just blue over a break up’. Let that sheer, utter bullshit sink in for a few moments.
Now do you see the issue?
It is belittled or the after effects are minimised by people, because you say rape and they think of a bloke in a dark alley, hair pulling etc. Something that wouldn’t be out of place on Crimewatch. They don’t think of it as the person they knew you were madly in love with, do they? The one who treated you like you were made of gold, your daughter as well, do they? The one you were looking to settle down with.
No, they don’t.
This is a big issue in my eyes. As some one who experienced it a year ago, but is only dealing with it now after locking it away for a good long while, I understand it. I understand how horrible and extremely hard it is, on yourself I mean to speak up about this once great person and be honest about what they did. I also understand how it feels to be incredibly fucking brave to speak out, only to be labelled as a ‘bitter ex’, making up lies to cause trouble.
Now, you know me, anxiety ridden and a barely functioning depressed single Mother, do you think I need the extra shit right now of lying? Do you think I actually crave the attention? Nope and nope’ that would be an incredibly naive thing to think, wouldn’t it. I’m just trying to be brave.
Think of your partners, someone you hold in the highest regard, someone who meant everything to you. Right, got that person? Now imagine sitting in at police station, detailing everything they did to you. When they broke your trust in the worst way, so quickly. Now also imagine that the same day was also an anniversary of saying goodbye to a baby that you had both created but never met. Yeah, it’s a real shitter, eh.
I get so many messages off of girls on my blog that have been raped or assaulted by their partners and it makes me fucking sick. But then I think, I still hide away as well. Yeah I voice things outright now, I act brave, but I still avoid Watford in case I run into his friends, I avoid Finchley or the Met Line in general because it’s close to his and I feel so scared and uneasy, I’ve turned an amazing job offer down because it’s close to his.. I act brave but I’m not, not at all. I had to re-train myself to go back into the room where it happened, a room that my family had no issue with being in. I avoided it for months, choosing to sit upstairs on my own, that’s telling isn’t it.
Women, and men for that matter, do not deserve to be ridiculed for speaking out about rape or assault, when the perp is or has been an intimate partner. It doesn’t change what it is, not at all. It takes an insane amount of courage, massively so. They do not deserve jokes at their expense, or being tarnished as something they so clearly are not (liars). Yes, there are fantasists out there, but having experienced this now let me tell you, you have to be one fucked up individual to pretend that you have suffered through something like this.
Support people because let me just reiterate something to you all.. my life has not been easy in the slightest, if you’re close to me then you would know all about it, but let me just say it’s been shit from the age of 6 up.. However 23rd of May, 2017, when I marched into the police station, exhausted and suicidal and put in that crime report, detailing every single bit, well that was the hardest fucking thing I have ever put myself through. I doubt anything in the future, aside from the death of a child, will ever come close.
So, yes. Don’t belittle or undermine what I went through just because I was in love with the person who did it. Believe you me, I wish I’d never met him.
“Sometimes human places, create inhuman monsters.”