Able to be happy..?

Do you know what, after the rape and losing baby, all of that traumatic stuff, we went our separate ways two weeks later. Now, I won’t pretend otherwise, I begged fo him back, I was heart broken and lost all dignity, honestly, I was so pathetic.

I look back at him now and wonder as to why I was ever upset in the first place. A rapist, an emotionally unavailable person and someone who let me grieve entirely alone, about our baby.

Why the hell did I ever see that as a loss..?! I guess it was down to the familiarity of him; the person who I had spent two years with nearly. 

After we went out separate ways, and I stopped making an utter dick out of myself (and before addressing my underlying anger regarding the rape), I went on a real dating rampage. I agreed to date with whoever asked, not in a bad way, even just for a drink or a walk, I guess I wanted to remind myself that there are decent guys out there, not just ones that pretend to be that way, anyways.

I met some nice ones, some horrid ones. I’m sad to say that one even told me that he loved me and that made me freak out and turn the other way, after all look at what the last person who said they love me, did. 

I denied myself a lot of happiness and experience because of the bad place I was in, still am in, I don’t even bloody know anymore.

One thing this has taught me is that I am worthy of a good and decent person. I am so much more than what he did to me. 

For the first time in a real long time, I’m excited to date now. I’m excited to feel that rush of excitement with the right person, the excitement that I wasted on him. 

It’s a very scary thought, but I’m ready to jump back in…I think! 


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