Letters.

Remember I wrote a few posts about the power of indoctrination? It still plays a very big part in the whole situation, for me at least.

People reading this who do not know what our relationship was like let me tell you, it was amazing. Something straight out of The Notebook, you know?  He lifted me to amazing heights and the time I was with him my feet never touched the ground. I could never quite believe that he would take an interest in me. I still fully credit him with a hell of a lot of good things that I accomplished and achieved. 

But that’s what makes the reality of the situation so hard. 

A decent person would not have hurt the person that they loved three times, would they? He played a good game because even now, even this very moment I still doubt what he did to me. I still feel guilty about voicing the truth of what happened, of what he did to me. I feel in the wrong for talking about, when in reality I am not in the wrong whatsoever, no matter what biased idiot tries to tell me otherwise. He raped me, he is the wrong party – not me, never me. 

I wonder if I was seen as an easy target. That’s a sad mentality to have, isn’t it? 

But there is that degree of indoctrination that does not go away, it does not waver. I have tried to appeal to that shred of decency that I am so sure he possesses, somewhere deep down (that would be the indoctrination playing it’s part again). 

I never wanted this to escalate, not truly. Do I have the energy to go through a two year court case? Hmm, nope. I wanted recognition for what he did. I wanted recognition for the huge and devestating impact that it had on my life, relationships, trust and self worth/esteem because my god, it has done. I’m nothing now and hold myself in the lowest fucking regard.

And you know what else.. have I dated since him? Yes. If this was a normal break up then I literally wouldn’t have given him a second thought. I think he is utterly evil and that he plays a very, very good game. The rape, the sly abusive behaviours, how awful he was to me when I was grieving over our baby… but, it’s the injustice of the situation, you know? The sheer injustice of having to be a victim, his victim.

This person claimed to love me, me and my daughter. He ignored me telling him to stop it and repeated no, he said he was confused, and you know what, readers, part of me could even kind of accept that, if I wasn’t for the fact that I was struggling underneath him, pushing at his shoulders, grabbing fistfuls of his t shirt.. 

Can someone please explain to me how you can mistake that.. how someone struggling underneath you asking you to stop, is that an easy thing to mistake? 

I’m not so sure that it is.

Forgetting the slap, the burn and the rape (least we forget that my daughter was present for the first two) I trusted him inexplicably. He tore that down and destroyed that two year long trust in a matter of seconds, you must be mental if you think that doesn’t smart. 

Truthfully though, I never wanted it to go so far. I begged him over 200 times, via phone calls, emails, letters, for a simple apology for what he did, to help bring me some closure over the rape, that’s all I asked for, you know? That’s literally all I want, and apparently I’m not even worth a sorry. You know what that rapist coward did instead of apologising? Changed his number.

 It’s pathetic isn’t it, a rape victim begging for an apology, but hey, I was in love with the man, I struggle even giving him a human title in all honesty. 

I was a fool full of love.

This coward said to me a few months back (before he decided to try and ignore what he did- funny), that he will always love me, but surely if that’s the case then why can’t he apologise for completely wrecking my life with his one immoral heinous act. Why couldn’t I have been given the small dose of help that I needed to start making strides to getting myself better, that utter worm destroyed me for a good year, let’s make no mistakes. No, it wasn’t break up upset, not after a couple of months anyway. It was anger. Fucking anger because I had confronted what he had done to me and what he had gotten away with, I realised that I was still protecting him, and, excuse my French but – fuck that.

Intentional or not, it makes no difference, does it? The outcomes are still as damaging whichever one it was, and he gets to pretend it didn’t happen. He gets to fool someone else and potentially hurt them because if ask me if I think he’s capable, well, my answer would be yes now, it wouldn’t have been before. 

He gets to use this spectacular avoidance technique and pretend that he is a decent human being, when he’s not. What is even funnier is that I have evidence! I have his confession that I could send to everyone and make them see him for what he is, for what I see him as now. A rapist. 

But I don’t. God only knows how close I come every single day, but I don’t. Maybe I’m a bigger person, I’m damn sure a better one. Maybe it’s the sheer exhaustion. I think it’s down to the indoctrination though. 

I think of the rape, the things my three year old had to witness and I get angry. I fume. I see red. But then I remember him and the good things he did for me, and that’s so stupid isn’t it! Like meals out and date nights could ever excuse a rape. Come on Catherine, you fucking moron, come on.

But that’s the thing with indoctrination, that’s how absuive people win, they make their ‘partner’ hold onto the good aspects and spin it so it will feel like a huge loss, when in reality it is the opposite, the extreme opposite.

Why can’t he just apologise for what he did? For what his actions have caused me?

The truth will out, I’m sure. 

Indoctrination, can not wait until you fuck right off.

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