An open letter to him.. 

I pity you. 

I never thought I would ever, ever get to the point where I would be able to say that, but I do. I pity you.

I think back to when you lit my life up so dramatically, I used to feel so lucky, now instead, I wonder what exactly I had missing in my life previously to accept you. 

I was a fool full of love. I thought being from a wealthy area, tall, handsome, witty, and charming were your truthful characteristics, and I fell, hook line and sinker. I lived and breathed you. Everyone knew it. I used to be so proud of that fact, now I’m just embarrassed. 

I’m embarrassed of how I hid what you did to me. I’m embarrassed that I soaked up everything you said about it not being intentional and that poor you having to live with what you did… You are in the wrong place if you you’re looking for acceptance. 

I hate that I put you first. I’m ashamed that I didn’t go to the Drs with the pain that your ’15 second mistake’ caused me for days afterwards, and I’m not referring to the emotional pain. 

 I’m embarrassed that I grieved over the loss of relationship and friendship with you, because in what world would a worthwhile person do what you did? I’m embarrassed that I ever deemed it, you, a loss. 

You. You. A grown man who has a tattoo that talks about love making you vulnerable, well, isn’t that highly ironic to have scrawled across your chest. 

Laughable. 

You. Someone who has travelled the world and who I used to think was so, so amazing. In reality someone who has no career, how did I ever hold you in such high regard? 

I hate you for the hundreds of sleepless nights, spent sobbing and relieving what you did. Me struggling to push you off, the physical pain of it. I hate you for destroying my self worth so quick, I hate you for making me hate what I see in the mirror, someone weak. Someone in pieces – because of your ’15 second mistake’. 

Why don’t you look into your tiny mind? Delve deep into your tiny and pathetic mind and realise what you have caused. Instead of having left me on ‘that love will never go Catherine’ and a cheap little wave at Baker Street, why don’t you just realise the sheer magnitude of what you have caused. 

And you know what, babu.. I have spent many of my nights when I’m crying, wishing that I was strong enough right now to crack on with a court case, I hate that you have made me this weak. I won’t be emotionally weak forever though, but I will be angry about you having raped me, so that time will come. I might not get the deserved outcome, but if it ruins your life like your ’15 second mistake’ ruined mine, then so be it. 

I hate though, that your indoctrination game was so good, it had me doubting it was rape, even when I was sitting in the police station reporting it, on baby’s anniversary, no less. 

Most of all, I hate that you are part of the brightest star. I don’t even get to think of or still grieve for my baby without you somehow factoring you in. 

You can paint me out to be whatever you wish, as can your family and friends, I don’t care and you know why I don’t? 

 Because I know you what you did and you know what you did. You felt me trying to push you off me. You must have heard my pleas of no and stop it. The more I have to replay it in my head, most nights, I can see that there is no way it could have been mistaken, there is just no way. 

I never thought I would ever reach the point where I could see you for what you are. Everyone mistaking you for a good person makes me sick, I will rise from all this and you will understand just what you have put me through. 

My first love, and you really were. Now? Now I wish, every single day, every single time I have a flashback or burst into tears when I remember the rape, I wish to God that I had never, ever met you. 

You. A rapist who thinks it will vanish by avoiding it, by ignoring it. What a pathetic little person you truly are. You played a good game though, I still feel guilty for saying it. 

Each day I’m getting stronger. You used to admire how strong I was in the face of adversity, I just wonder how you feel about it now? 

I pity you. 

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6 thoughts on “An open letter to him.. 

  1. I am so sorry you went through this. You are a warrior and incredibly courageous for sharing your experience so openly and honestly. I know you may feel weak at times, but just by sharing your story you are undoubtedly helping dozens of other women. You are beautiful and nothing he did can take that away. Keep fighting. Keep speaking. Sending you lots of love – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cathy, thank you. Your letter is so deeply powerful. Beautifully tragic. I understand the pain all too well. I am sending you love.

    Like

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