Open letter to him, cont.

I wonder why you feel that you don’t need to apologise for raping me. Do you feel like you did nothing wrong? Do you have people telling you not do? Well, let me tell you, if you do have stupid people around you telling you not to apologise, you can thank them for making the situation escalate.

Thank them for having an open crime report under your name. 

I never once lied to you, an apology would have stopped everything. I’m big on apologies, you know that, and I needed that recognition of what you did to me, I needed to see that you knew exactly what you had inflicted. 

You most likely think you have apologised already within your confession – you haven’t. That confession (thank you for that gem, by the way) was full of ‘woe is me’, more emphasis on how it has affected you, not me. I find that absolutely sickening. I could not really care less how it’s affected you, you utter moron. Yeah, half a year ago I would have been so upset for you and wanted to do anything to make it ok, now? 

Rot. I want you to absolutely rot, it’s what you deserve, after all.

But yes, it’s the truth that a simple apology would have sufficed. I did not want to have to carry anger and hurt around with me for so long, it’s draining, it really is. Doing what you did broke my confidence, my trust, my belief systems (now completely self limiting) and my self esteem.

People will wonder how we lasted after what you did, still having sex, made baby; I have an answer: familiarity. 

You broke me with your, oh what was it you called it, ‘a fifteen second mistake’ but I just did not allow myself to see it, I didn’t want to, after all I just couldn’t believe what my best friend and soul mate and done, I didn’t want to see it, so I just, didn’t. 

I spend a disproportionate amount of my time now reading the Crown Prosecution Acts, so I have educated myself on all of the different outcomes. I remember sitting in the pub with you once, and you got right up in my face, and I mean noses nearly touching, it was so unlike you, I remember feeling so small. You got right up in my face and said “It wasn’t rape, it was throes of passion, and anyway you can’t prove otherwise, who would they believe”

I think that was the first turning point for me. 

Not massively so as I was still unfortunately in possession of loving feelings, but I do remember a shift, I started seeing you for what you were, kind of a bully. That was such a leap in distinction because you had always been just amazing, you had me fooled, my daughter fooled, my family, but what’s that saying… if it seems too good to be true, it probably is..

Anyway, in that pub I remember feeling so shaken and well, for the first time like a victim and I called up the Crown Prosecution Service’s definition of rape, and after that you knew what you were guilty of, without question.

Bit by bit I am getting my strength back, my power, which means claiming power over what you did, the rape. Reporting it means that I am not on my own anymore, the police and local police are aware of what you did, and I am so glad they are because, well, I worry. Me finding my voice and telling people close to me, that also means I’m not seeing this through on my own, but most of all? 

It means that I am not staying quiet to protect you anymore. You are a rapist and deserve everything bad in life that comes your way.

I am so driven by getting an apology. Honest to god it is like living in the twilight zone if you think that you don’t need to apologise… You. Raped. Me.

You phoned my house last month on the 23rd. I answered and you rang off, but I saw the number. I even re added it into my phone just to see your old whatsapp picture pop up, it made me feel so unbelievably queasy that I deleted it straight away, but there is no doubt that it was you. Now, I don’t know why you did that on your old SIM card. Part of me thinks it was a joke, perhaps people that you have told masses of lies about me to, got hold of your phone and decided to have a laugh at my expense – on baby’s anniversary, knowing that I would be grieving. I wouldn’t put it past you anymore to be that evil. 

Part of me thought it was because it was baby’s anniversary, but yesterday was as well and you didn’t try again, so it clearly was not to check in on me for that reason. Perhaps it was to tell me to stop nagging for an apology, but the laughable thing is if you were to even try and threaten me with some pitiful harassment charge, then I would just start the court case early, and let’s have a think – which one of us would come out worse in that case?

(Clue, it isn’t me, my darling).

I’m laughing writing this because, my god, were you always so pathetic our entire relationship? How did I not even see it. You think the rape is going to go away because you don’t want to talk about it and you want to avoid it. I do not get that privilege, do I? So why the fuck should you. Rapist.

Feeling me struggling underneath you, pushing fistfuls of your t shirt away, pushing your shoulders trying to get you off of me. Me saying no, over and over, me asking you to stop it, both ignored. The physical pain you caused me, down there, lasted days. Yes, even after a relatively short time, it lasted days. An ever present reminder of you violating both me and my trust.

I day dream about you in the gutter, where you belong. I hope what you did, rape, eats away at you like a bacteria. I hope you look in the mirror and hate the person you see looking back at you. I hope you disgust yourself as much as you disgust me. 

Just please remember, I don’t respect you as baby’s Daddy anymore, that fact is not going to save you anymore. So please, laugh and joke with your mates like you are a nice, normally person. You’re not, not at all, and I will not stop until everybody is aware of what you did and what you have caused to a family. 

You pathetic, dishonest, immoral rapist. 

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