Unbearable guilt.

I posted him a letter today and I am sick with nerves and guilt for doing so. I wrote a page letter asking why he called my house phone and that I think it was a sick joke, a twisted game to taunt me on baby anniversary. I called him a coward for not saying anything when I answered.

I told him it was down to him that this situation has escalated, the fact that there is no remorse over his actions, I told him that I would have accepted an apology and it would have all just gone away.

I told him that I pity him, that’s true.

I sent a screenshot of my open letter to him that I blogged and also the one about it being ten months since baby, the memory I have of him during that time.

I feel overwhelming guilt for doing so. This situation, he has made me weak, undeniably so. I get scared even now that it will upset him. I don’t know why I feel like that because I am brimming with such anger and such hatred for him for raping me. But, I suppose having loved someone so deeply and for so long, you still care to a certain degree. I find it weird admitting that because just look at what he did to me, you all have read about it and you all know how much it has taken its toll and quite frankly cut me to pieces. 

But I still feel bad for putting it on paper and sending it to him. I’m mad to think it will even be opened, I know, but I am just driven by this insane need for him to know just what he has caused, the destruction and carnage he has inflicted onto my life.

I have a big guilty conscience and even though I know fully that I have done nothing wrong whatsoever, it still feels like a huge ball of nervous tension.

I just need him to realise what he has done, I’m not able to forget it so why should he? 

I have been painted out to be mad, no doubt. Horrible, perhaps even a liar, and those labels are all untrue. Quite honestly I’m scared of what my life has become, it is always a case of one step forward and two steps back, the rape blocks me from moving forward for long and my god, I just feel so wronged.

So wronged.

Am I bad for wanting an apology? This guy was the love of my life, you know? To do what he did and then completely avoid and ignore it, like he’s guilty of nothing, free to laugh with mates and carry on like he hasn’t ruined a life, well, I don’t particularly think that is right or fair.

I want him to hurt as much as I have to, I hate this entire situation.

I’m fucking exhausted of feeling so guilty for always trying to get an apology, because that would do for me, it really would. Do I want to go through a court case, no I really don’t, but what other choice do I have? I send letters trying to evoke some sort of reaction, to trigger some remorse because I am sure he is capable. I might have been a fool in love, but could I have really fallen for such an immoral monster? I don’t think so, but I think he hid a darker side of himself very, very well.

God, I just want to make peace with all this, I might look happy, but it is destroying me, 24/7 and I just don’t know how much more of it I can take. 

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