I wonder if people who see me out and about know that I am battling depression and trauma. I wonder if they can read it and sense it from how I carry myself now.
I don’t walk tall anymore. I slouch, more so than before with my head down, avoiding all aspects of contact. I no longer feel confident. I used to think nothing of smiling sweetly at whatever guy I caught looking at me, now I don’t even dare to do that.
I like fading into the background now, I like going unnoticed, I like being missing, it makes me feel safe. The main thing that the rape has caused me, and I don’t think he even realises that he has caused this, is extreme mistrust.
Let me put it this way, the person I trusted most in the entire world raped me, and I trusted him with my life, my daughters life.. so how can I possible now bring myself to even trust a stranger? If someone so close to me could do what he did, I’m scared to. Truthfully I am really fucking terrified.
I don’t trust anyone now and that is a really upsetting state to be in, and to acknowledge really.
See, he really does have a hell of a lot of repercussions to apologise for, don’t you think?
I miss the person I was. I miss smiling at everyone, I miss feeling confident enough to wiggle my bum when I know someone is looking at it. I miss seeing the good in people and not feeling the need to search for the dark side of them. I miss trusting people and being truthful.
I miss being carefree. I miss being happy.
I miss me.