I did it again today. I don’t even know why, my head was telling me not to, but I just did not listen.
I was home alone, stressed out with writing my nursing dissertation. I constantly feel like I am running on empty, I am fully exhausted. I sat there looking at my blank screen, willing words and interesting statements to just appear before my eyes. No such luck.
Feeling deflated I slumped back in the chair and watched some god awful daytime television. I finished a packet of prawn crackers from the takeaway that I shared with Mum last night. I felt guilty for not cracking on with work, especially as my Grandmother had given up her day to take my daughter out, so I could work.
That started off the self hatred with a bang. ‘Everyone is trying to help you out Catherine, you’re so stupid and lazy, can’t even manage five minutes at a laptop. Pathetic. Shit nurse, shit Mum, shit person’.
I felt upset and hate filled. My skin suddenly felt like it was on fire, I felt sick, really, really sick. Before I knew what was what I had gone and made myself sick again. I can kid myself that it was purely down to that nervous energy that I spoke about before, but I’m not so sure now.
My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my eyes and muscles ache. Is this depression or exhaustion?
Someone just put me out of my misery, that’s the kindest thing, I think.