To the man who lacked the balls and the courage.

Your confessions begins with the sentence: 

“So here it is, what you’ve wanted all along and something I was never brave enough or man enough to admit to. I was a coward but no more. What happened that night was rape”. 

What a spineless person you truly are. I remember thinking how brave you were to write the confession, now I wonder what was going through your mind. Did you truly believe that I would remain under your thumb and weak, never to let your worded confession see the light of day? Did you really think I would always think so highly of you and continue us to excuse what you had done to me? Did you honestly, hand on heart think that I would carry on keeping quiet, carry on protecting you..?

That is shameful, quite frankly. Shameful and naive as hell. 

You turn 30 years old in a matter of days and you harbour the emotional maturity of a ten year old, and a fucking whiny one at that.

The rape. That soulless and immoral thing you did to me (remember that?). That act destroyed me, it still is doing so, and you don’t care in the slightest do you.. Although I do have to wonder, is it truly because you have absolutely no remorse over the situation, what you did, or is it because you are too scared to face it? 

Neither answer is remotely good enough, by the way. 

How about holding me and promising me that I would not have to grieve for our baby alone? And I did. I went through it entirely on my own because you refused to talk to me. You went out wth mates and appeared in photos , smiling. I challenged you and instead of doing the right thing, you called me evil. You belittled my grief. You made me feel pathetic for showing hurt. You made me feel like I was wrong. What kind of fucked up individual does that?

You are a spineless scumbag, at least I can recognise that fact now.

I think back to me putting so much energy into protecting you, keeping you safe. I told no one for a year about what you did to me. The emotional damage. The physical damage, don’t kid yourself, there was some and it lasted a good few days. I practically sacrificed my life to keep yours safe, and for what?

I’m not even worth apologising to, am I?

You think you have gotten away with this. You feel safe. You feel able to laugh and joke with mates, carry on your little life, but why should you? Thinking you are the big man, probably talking about your ‘mental ex’ and telling lies about me, when really if people knew the real truth about you, well, I think your support network would diminish. Who would want to support a coward that can slap someone who has their child on their lap, burn someone when their child is in the room, or rape them, ignoring their pleas to stop and leave their life in ruins.

I certainly would be very ashamed to call that person a friend of mine. Anyone with morals, would.

Such a coward it is laughable, I mean, you are the biggest waste of space, I have ever had the misfortune to involve myself with, Christ. 

You honestly think that ignoring what you did will make it go away..? Erm, were you always this stupid the entire relationship?

What a pathetic man you are, you a tall bearded and tattooed man, far too scared to face a 9st 26 year old girl to just say sorry…

Wow, if any of his friends are perusing this blog, are you honestly proud? I would be disgusted. I am disgusted. 

You think it will all vanish and fade away? Because that would be easier for you, wouldn’t it, you coward. Well, that’s not going to happen and do you know why?

Because I don’t get that luxury and I am the one who said no, stop it. I was the one pushing you off.

I will not allow you to make me into a coward, like yourself and I will never allow you to be in the position to do all of this to someone else who makes the mistake of loving you.

The last thing that I need to say. You spat at this at me once ‘you are only doing all this so no one else can have me’ – firstly, I wish you could see the tears of laughter that have rolled down my cheeks many, many times when I remember you coming out with that bollocks. Secondly, wind your fucking neck in. You are not a loss, you are not. Yes, I thought you were at the start and I was heartbroken, absolutely crazily heartbroken. But my sense came flooding back and Jesus Christ, no amount of pretending to be the nice guy, no amount of gifts and memories will EVER take away or excuse what you did to me. 

Oh, I might as well chuck this in as well, remember your little exercise of keeping track of the times you made me ‘intimately happy’..? Yeah, I remember how happy you were to make high double figures, sweetheart, you were barely in the single figures.

So please, don’t big yourself up thinking I sit at home worrying, heartbroken if you are being intimate with some girl. I don’t, the poor cow. Just try not to rape this one, yeah? 

I am worth a million of you.

You are a coward and even though your avoidance technique is strong, this is one thing that will not go away. 

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