Keeping track.

I decided to keep a food diary today, out of morbid curiosity really. I’m the sort of person who shovels food in like nothing else. I remember feeling so good about myself when I went low carb and I lost a lot of weight, I really did.

I really want to be able to feel positive about myself again. I feel rotten, inside and out, just disgusting and rotten.

Low self esteem and confidence is a horrible thing to have inflicted on someone through destructive actions, that’s what the rape has left me with. I absolutely hate everything about myself now.

So, thank you.

I’ve kept track so far and today I am on 463kcals.. it’s weird though. I’m a very impulsive person and combined with a mind that tells you how awful you are, well, it’s not a good duo really. Limiting my intake or purging is more about a control and punishment thing, for me anyway. Like I said before, I feel rotten. I feel like my insides and every fibre is just rotten, does that make sense? Purging was easy because I constantly felt nauseated due to depression and anxiety, whereas limiting is more about control, because let’s face it, this year has been anything but in control…

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