So, as you guys know I was late visiting this month. But here I am again, in my ‘escape to’ place, Hampton Court. I’m armed with my letter but currently sitting out under the trees, having a few quiet moments before I float it, to write this.
It’s raining. I don’t have a jacket. Time goes on but I’m still an idiot that can’t judge the weather. I’m drenched. I don’t have the energy to care or even to lump my fat arse off of this bench.
I hand wrote my letter while sat at Waterloo station waiting for my train, 3 A4 pages, folded neatly and securely. I noticed a woman, mid 40s I would say, reading it over my shoulder, she struck up a conversation with me. She told me that she recognised my upset sighs and my downbeat manner. Being a typical London at first I thought she was mad and wasn’t going to respond. I’m glad I did, however. She had gone through the same thing, she had dealt with the never ending bad feelings that I project onto myself, she got it. I needed to meet that woman today, I’m sure there was a reason why our paths crossed today.
I told her that some people have told me that I am silly for doing what I do, that it shouldn’t still cut me up so much, she shook her head and told me to do what I need to do, it is no one else’s issue so why should they even feel the need to voice an opinion.
She’s right, of course.
I think it’s the depression and lack of self worth since the rape that makes me doubt everything about myself. This once strong girl now convinced that I do and say everything wrong, that I am not worth a dime, it’s a horrible mentality to have and it is something that I would not wish on anyone, truly.
Still, this stranger basically voiced everything that I have needed someone to say to me and I appreciated that no end. I thanked her and jumped on the train feeling somewhat lighter less than a minute later.
As I sped off I wished that I had truly thanked her and told her just how much those five minutes of her time made me feel so much better, about myself, guilt and hatred lifted. Sometimes you need to hear things from a total stranger for them to resonate, rather than someone close.
Anyway, I told her about the blog so just in case she (you) have decided to have a peruse while on your train, thank you. Your kind words made a massively depressed and fucked up girl a little less fucked up, for this evening at least.