Bon Anniversaire.

I’ve been dreading this week. His birthday week.

God damn, you have no clue how hard it has been not to post a birthday card, haha. Not a nice one, I mean. Christ alive. 

For the past two years I have celebrated his birthday. The first year I took him to a jazz restaurant and show in Camden, I bought him a ridiculously expensive watch (I have no money) and paid for a lovely little hotel for the night as well, it was magical. The second birthday, money for me was really tight. I bought a glass jar and filled it with messages, all to do with our memories, what I loved about him, cherished photos of us, all that sort of bollocks. 

Laughable. I mean, that was post rape. I’m so pathetic aren’t I. 

I presented him with that and he loved it, so much so that he had no issue handing it back a few months later, nice eh.

Anyway, I digress. 

I did however write him a birthday email, while I was in Hampton floating my letter to baby. It is fairly obvious that my emails are all blocked etc, because he’s a pussy and is running from what he’s done. What a man, eh. 

So, here is his birthday wish, from the one person who will ensure that the truth will out:

“So, I’m in Hampton, just after floating a letter in which I apologised for what you are and I just want you to know something. 

This will never go away. Even if I have to wait five, ten years until I can face getting justice then I will, but I promise you that I will get to that point. I cried when floating that letter because all those chances I gave for you to apologise meant nothing to you did that, and I did it out of respect for baby. But you having no remorse for what you did isn’t respecting me as baby’s mum, is it? 

And you know what else? I will not always be your victim but you will always, always be a rapist and I hope that fact alone haunts you for life. 

What you did to me will always be there, when you have sex, when you welcome a child into the world, when you tell someone that you love them. Just remember that you told me that thousands of times, and it didn’t stop you from doing what you did. You can ignore the fact that you raped me all you want, I won’t let it be forgotten. Mark my words. I will get justice. For me, for Baby, and for the daughter you raised from eight months old. 

What you did and what you are will never, ever change. 

You make my blood boil. I have done nothing wrong, you have and I will make damn sure that it is not forgotten. All you ever had to do was just say that you are sorry. That would have been it. 

That baby I carried. Our baby. Remember that next time you pretend to love someone only to ruin their life. 

You are the one who deserves the life sentence. Not me. Never me. 

I won’t always be your victim, you however, will always be a rapist.”

An emotional write, that was. It’s all true though, that’s the thing, all of this is true and fifteen months on it is still horrifically terrifying and this cowardly scum bag thinks he has gotten away free, to leave me trying to pick up all the fragments, when I am not even guilty, not even the in who did anything wrong..

And another thing, actually. This upcoming birthday would have been his first as a Daddy. I wonder if that thought will even pass through his mind at all, if he will allow it to? God sake I had to spend my entire birthday knowing that it was my due date, yet another thing he gets to escape, isn’t it.

I dunno, god I just fucking hate the coward and what he did.

It’s just disgusting. I’m not having it, I’m not.

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