Self destruct in 3, 2, 1… 

Another two lbs lost in space of a week. 

I don’t have a ‘goal weight’. I don’t look at myself and see problem areas, but all of it, me, is a problem area, not specifics. 

I just want to vanish.

It makes me happy, but then very quickly sad. Sad that I feel so disgusting and rotten, constantly. Sad that to just feel in control of something, anything, after this past year I restrict my intake to 700kcals a day, when I should be eating double that, just to maintain my weight. 

Apparently, and I have blogged about this stat before, over half of people that have been diagnosed with PTSD then adopts some form of self destructive behaviour. In the past I actively followed diabulimic patterns, until I became very, very ill, so, with a heavy heart I guess I can say that I am not surprised that I have fallen back into that in some way. It’s incredibly sad though, that in order to just feel positive and in control of something, that I do that.

I dunno, I find it sad. Necessary, but sad. 

This past year, hell, over a year… fifteen months now, have been so out of my control and it’s hard, you know, trying to regain that control back. Raped by someone who I honestly loved, lived and breathed, not important if it was intentional or not as it doesn’t change what it is, and the damage it causes, a baby a few months later, gone. Being left with the pain of both of those and battling to fall out of love with that ‘person’ which amazingly took a long time, even considering what he did to me. Well, it’s been the hardest year of my life and only one of those three things have been successfully done – and that’s falling out of love. But the other two? I am nowhere near getting past those two, and in a way, I don’t want to get past them. I want to make him go through what he made me go through, the sheer hell of it. I am driven by anger and the fucking unfairness of his ‘fifteen second mistake’. 

And baby? Well, what can I even say about that. I just wish he was not involved. 

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