I’m only on 600kcals so far today. I’m torn between being proud of myself and angry for doing this. 

I read a really good quote today: “stop punishing yourself for what others did to you”.

Sounds simple and obvious, doesn’t it?

It’s funny really, what trauma does to you. Makes you live with crippling anxiety and depression. Makes your mind tell you over and over again that you’re disgusting, that you’re a waste of people’s space and time and that what happened to you, well, live with it because who the fuck even cares that you’re falling apart?

I don’t like the fact that I eat properly when people are with me, just to do the complete opposite whenever I can. I don’t like that I welcome horrible hunger pains because it serves as a distraction from having to think of that fucking rape. Pathetic isn’t it. Well, not so much pathetic, but certainly wrong.I weighed myself this morning. In the space of a week I have lost just under 3lbs. I’m no idiot, I know that is not healthy in the slightest, I know it is highly damaging, but maybe that’s what I deserve? Damage. 

You need to understand that his ‘mistake’, the rape, belittled me to such an extent that I was a walking personification of damage; there is no doubt about it. So, I am at the point now of damaging myself just to feel in control of something.

I don’t know how I could ever move past that belief?

I like knowing that I am wasting away because that’s what I identify as now – a waste. If I was a strong or competent person, then what happened to me would not have happened, would it? This is just me now, this is my level.

A pathetic, weak, depressed, not good enough rape victim.

This is me, today. 

I don’t like it, but me, my world, collapsed when he did what he did to me. And now identifying as a complete waste then it’s pretty poetic to allow yourself to be wasting away, right? 

To be in control of something is to be in control of destructive behaviours. 


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