Control, or lack thereof. 

I’ve been googling away today.

‘Did you also know that sexual assault and trauma are sometimes closely linked to eating disorders?

“Traumatic experiences, especially those involving interpersonal violence[such as sexual assault], have been found to be a significant risk factor for the development of a variety of psychiatric disorders, including eating disorders, particularly those characterized by bulimic symptoms, such as binge eating and purging,” says Dr. Timothy Breweton, an expert in the field of trauma and eating disorders.

Dr. Brewerton points out that among those who have experienced trauma, binge eating and purging can develop as a kind of coping mechanism. “In much the same way as substances of abuse are used to self-medicate, binge eating and purging appear to be behaviors that facilitate 1) decreasing the anxiety associated with trauma, as well as 2) the numbing, avoidance and even forgetting of traumatic experiences.”’

(Sourced from RAAIN).

So this makes me think back to how my diet has taken a huge nosedive in recent times. 

So far today, breakfast was half a slice of bread and a cup of black tea. Lunch has not happened yet but will consist of some olives and tomatoes, perhaps I’ll have a slice of chicken along side and another black tea. Dinner, I’ll have some crystal noodles and chicken broth maybe. 

I don’t want to purge today, I really don’t, so I shall just restrict instead. 

I restrict and well, basically fuck up my eating patterns because it frees me of my anguish. I torture myself over what he did to me. I torture myself over the fact that he has no remorse over it. I torture myself over how negatively I feel about myself now as well. I torture myself over the fact that I let my daughter fall so in love with him, just like I mistakenly did. 

I torture myself over the fact that I am the innocent one, it sounds so stupid doesn’t it?

One thought on “Control, or lack thereof. 

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