Let myself down.

I had to sit in front of a GP today and speak about the rape, on the hunt for some antidepressants. I hate them, antidepressants, I think they act like a plaster and actually resolve nothing. However, considering I overdosed today, something is better than nothing I guess. 

I hate him for what he has caused, I wish more than anything that he could experience a tiny percentage of what he’s caused. I am so full of anger all of the time. I have been in floods and floods of tears today, doing something so drastic earlier on, I just can’t keep up this fake pretence of everything being fine and fucking dandy, when it isn’t, not at all. 

Anyway I am brimming with self hatred this evening. I feel disgusting inside and out and I let myself down big time today by being so upset, because he’s still winnning isn’t he. Still, another week to get back on track. Today my emotions hit me like a truck and I am not willing for that to happen again. I must stay in control, I must. I must not allow today to happen again.

Sunday today and I am 133lbs, if I restrict hard (600kcals per day) I’ll aim for another 3/lbs gone by next Sunday.

I need to stay in control and crippling hunger pains are a pretty good distraction. 


3 thoughts on “Let myself down.

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