Head in my hands sitting on the bathroom floor for the second time today. Same as most days. I’m sick of this, I’m so fucking sick of this. I’m just done now. I’ve tried it before, ending it and it wasn’t successful. I took that to mean that I should be here. That it wasn’t meant to work.
But that thought doesn’t last long though.
This morning I started to get the ball rolling on my will. It used to stop me before, the fact that I didn’t have one so if my attempts to end it were successful then, who would have guardianship of my daughter? But now I’ve got the ball rolling now.
It’s weird really. I’ve been thinking a lot today about say if it was successful, would the police access all this? Would there still be justice even if I wasn’t around anymore waiting in pain? Would there ever be an apology for he whole situation?
I can’t take living with this anymore. Some people might accuse me of attention seeking, but if you knew me you would know how incorrect that is. I hate attention, I hate spotlight.
But I hate this more. I hate having to live with this, I’m not strong enough to cope wth it anymore. I’m tired, I’m ill, I’m mentally exhausted.
I’m pathetic, his action has made me worthless and I don’t want to have to go another fucking day feeling like this. I can’t.
Here I am again, head in my hands. being sick and sobbing. What kind of life is this to ever look back on.
I saw a picture of him today, having fun. I didn’t go looking for it, it was on FB, an old comment so I could see his new DP even though I have him blocked, never ever unblocked him though. But I could see it and the unfairness hit me like a tonne of bricks. He’s happy, he’s having fun, HES GUILTY. And me? Innocent, innocent. Innocent but ruined, crying on the floor, purging, hating myself, destructive behaviours. Grieving for the me that he fucking stole.