So the police officer told me that the confession was very good evidence to have, I’m so glad that I kept it, my gut was right, heart, not so much.
The next step is going in and recording a video statement. Sitting with the police officer in a room that has hidden cameras and microphones in the walls. Apparently all I need to do is just talk.
As easy as that.
It doesn’t feel easy though. I loved this person, I loved this person more than anything. He was my entire heartbeat and I missed him even when he was sitting next to me. It breaks my heart that it has reached this point. I so wish that it could have been resolved between just me and him, but he never once allowed me that, after everything.
I am so upset that he could not just respect me enough to fucking say that he is sorry for what he has caused. The amount of times I begged for a sorry. The amount of times that I pleaded with some shred of human decency that I was so sure that he possessed. Nothing ever came of it, does that mean that there is no remorse for what he did? Did I really fall in love with a monster?
Sometimes I miss him, and I hate that I do. Knowing what he is, and what he did, it makes me feel sick when I have a warm memory of him or think of him and for a split second, I smile. Sometimes my daughter will mention him, something like sending ‘her weirdy beardy’ a picture she’s made or coloured in, and it upsets me, because she looks so happy and she loved him, she absolutely adored him, as did I. Then I have to remember what he did and I have to be strong and just stop that in its tracks, but does it hurt? Yes, of course it does. He was the father figure that she knew. Fed her, loved her, comforted her, played with her, taught her, god all of it. He was her partner as well as mine, and that is what is so difficult. I wonder if he allows himself to think of that anymore? That fact used to make him so, so proud, a step Dad.
I wonder what girl he is making smile currently, but then I remember what he is and I feel overwhelming guilt. Guilt, not jealousy or whatever emotion I should probably feel. Guilt. Pure guilt. Guilt that at the moment, there is nothing to stop him ever doing it again to some other poor girl who falls for his fake charm. Do I think he is capable of doing it again? Yeah. I think I do.
Its not easy in the slightest. Wednesday is when I will do the video link and immediately after, once they go through what I have said, they will go and question him. Why do I feel guilty already? He did wrong. I know I was madly in love with him, but is there any reason as to why I should be feeling this fucking guilty? I don’t think so. Doesn’t stop it, though.
God, I wish with a blink of an eye this was all over and done with. It’s killing me.