Yes, we all know the situation by now. I have no shame in sharing it anymore, (should I?). To be honest, that took me a long, long time to stop feeling ashamed, or wrong for saying what happened, indoctrination at its finest, right?
Anyway, that is not the battle I am talking about. Right now its my diet. I realise, of course, that as this case progresses and ends up potentially in court, I need to be strong, and at the moment I am not that at all. To feel in control, if you remember I had been restricting my calories everyday. From 1000 to 800. 800 to 600. I’m barely on 400kcal now and that is basically made up of black tea with sugar.
Its different now though. I don’t look at myself and think I am fat etc, yes it started as a control thing, which apparently is VERY common after a rape or sexual trauma, but now I just feel too sick to even try. Is that anxiety? Depression? Giving up?
I eat properly in front of my daughter, I wouldn’t not, but the rest of my family watch me when I eat now, I can see them watching, not even trying to hide it really.
I had black tea for breakfast, that came back up within twenty minutes. For lunch I had half a can of tomato soup and half a slice of bread and butter. Honestly, I don’t know what has changed within me, but that food on my lap was so intimidating. That’s pretty damn crazy isn’t it?
Have I really missed feeling in control this much? I’m down again to 129lbs. That may not strike people as a worrying weight, but considering less than two weeks ago I was 138lbs…I find that a bit worrying.
I wish I was hungry. I wish I didn’t feel so sick constantly. And I wish I didn’t find a bowl of tomato soup so pathetically intimidating.