Destructive? Deserved. 

Remember how I talked about restricting my intake? In order to feel in control of something, something at all, remember?

Well my antidepressants have made my appetite come back in full force. I’ve put on 1lb. Doesn’t seem much, but I was thriving on feeling in control again; that focus, determination to fade away got me through each day. Hunger pains act as a distraction from having to think about the rape, from having to experience the smells, feelings and pain come flooding back randomly and not being able to rid myself of them. 

Yeah, starving myself or restricting my intake isn’t the best way to go, but I need some element of control, it gives me that. Everyday I feel like a failure, he destroyed my self worth and esteem and they are not something I have managed to get back, yes even after fifteen months I still feel as pathetic, disgusting and guilty as he made me feel when he did what he did. So, putting on that measly one pound destroys me. 

Another thing I don’t have control over, but I will use this to drive me forward. 

I don’t want to think about what he did to me, so here we go again, I’ll give myself a week and a target of 3/4lbs to lose.

I prefer myself when I see myself fading away. That picture is today, about twenty minutes ago (11:30am).

Disgusting, eh. 

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2 thoughts on “Destructive? Deserved. 

  1. I can relate to so much of what you write. I wish I could say there is an end point to the emotional torment. You are not alone is all I can offer up ❤️

    Like

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