That’s what it feels like, this depression due to what he did to me. People try to excuse it, people have said to me that it wasn’t proper rape because we were in a relationship, people have told me that I don’t have a right to be so ruined by something that took less than a minute.
I’m strong enough now, well, sort of to be able to shout and scream about how wrong that is. Being in a relationship at the time excuses nothing, the fact that we had slept together loads of times doesn’t change what happened on that single time – are peoplemrally dim enough to think that? So it lasted less than a minute, and? Let me say this to everyone, when you are saying no, struggling and attempting to push someone off, someone you trusted with your life a few moments before; then twenty odd seconds feels like hours.
Allowing myself to confront what he did to me after ignoring it for so long was awful, quite honestly. However the absolutely hardest thing I have ever, ever had to do was walk into the police station and report it, his act, him. I still can’t honestly believe that I got myself to that point, I summoned strength that I was not even aware I possessed really.
But that is what I feel it is, a parasite. It’s taken over my body until I don’t recognise myself anymore. A weak depressed person. A person who denies herself food sporadically, to torture myself, maybe. To feel in control of something, yes. To distract myself from the flashbacks that still wash over me in waves; I rather feel hunger pains than feeling the physical aspects of those flashbacks.
I don’t know. I feel like something has taken over me completely. Controlling all of my thoughts and actions, staring bleakly out of my eyes and just viewing everything with black and white glasses these days. I’ve never known low mood and exhaustion like this. I’m so tired, I even feel too tired to keep pushing for justice, but something always spurs me on, the need for him to face what he’s done I guess. The need for his friends and family, and another vulnerable person that he’s fooling, the need for them to know what he has done. Why should my family have to see me suffering, really suffering due to his actions, and his lot get to not have to know what a disgusting rapist they are harbouring?