I wish I was better, not so pathetically weak.

I really do wish that I was better. I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t hate myself. 

I weighed myself again, another pound gained. I’ve made sure not to keep anything down today, I sloped off to the bathroom and purged quietly, all the food, tea, everything. I can’t even stay in control of something as simple as that. I feel fat and disgusting, inside and out just fucking horrific. 

That little voice inside my head, the one that makes sure I am constantly aware of how pathetic I am, tell me that I still can’t control what goes into my body. I couldn’t control him and now I can’t even control the food. What a fucking pathetic joke I am.

Weak. Disgustingly so.

God, how I wish I had control of one aspect, just one. I hate being so ill because of what some horrendous immoral  coward did to me. 

I hate this. I hate me. Fucking hell I hate me ever since the rape, I am the weak one aren’t I? That rapist isn’t suffering like this. I don’t want to even be here anymore. I just want to go.

Today, this evening. Just look. What a fucking disgusting, fat, weak rape victim.

One thought on “I wish I was better, not so pathetically weak.

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