I remember the first time I purged. It was due to the anxiety, my stomach had been in knots. It was eurphoric, a release, soon afterwards just like a drug I wanted to experience that release again. It provided me with an outlet I guess, sounds really odd, I know.
That developed into counting my intake. It was the element of control that I had been missing, my intake went from 1000 to 800kcals, then to around 600kcals per day, some days even lower, some days I would lie about eating anything. I would document everything, nothing went in my mouth without recording it, even a tablespoon of milk would be jotted down.
Soon after I started to find food intimidating, I guess I got used to the bare minimum, my stomach just did not want to know.
It gives me something else besides the rape to focus on, I like the sharp hunger pangs and the headaches. It means I don’t have to suffer through flashbacks and the like. Weird isn’t it, that self destructing in my mind is helping me get through the day.
I blame him wholly for what I have become. Eating disorders and other mental health issues are so common after assaults such as this. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I had been braver. I wish I never got this destructive.
These are all of me, from the past month: