So my phone is out of whack, well, the screen at least. The memory is being downloaded as evidence soon so fingers crossed it holds out..! Anyway I’m sure it will be fine.

I have spent the past two days searching for an old handset of mine that I could use as the one I’m using currently is so shitty, and my house is like a graveyard for old phones that I’ve got bored of etc. 

I found one. I charged it up.

As soon as it switched on I remembered this phone, it was one he got me. The passcode was ‘1402’ our anniversary. The wallpaper was a picture of him with my daughter on his shoulders, and there he was, the man I fell totally in love with, not the monster that I think of him as, now. I wondered if there was messages or any evidence on this phone that might be useful, so I scrolled through. Copious videos and pictures of the three of us, me him and my daughter. He used to call us a trio, a unit. I won’t lie, it was heartbreaking seeing those pictures again, I had deleted or disposed of all of the ones I thought I had, but this phone was just brimming with them. 

Memories upon memories that I have fought so hard to lose came flooding back. Memories of him being amazing with her, memories that now make my stomach churn. Knowing what he is capable of and how long I allowed him to be around her, I don’t know if people even realise how much that upsets me, devastates me, even.

Seeing all of those pictures and videos gave me a huge panic attack. I was trembling by the end of it. It sounds weird but I had even forgotten what his voice sounds like, I was so happy about that, but hearing it again made me purge. Mental, eh. I just had to do something destructive to combat all this panic that was erupting in me. 

As soon as I feel I start making progress, something like this throws me way back into a corner. I hate it, I hate hate hate it. 


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