Hatred starts at 2am

Woke up at 2am, crept downstairs. Had a cold shower because apparently that suppresses appetite? Put my Fitbit on and made sure I did 800 steps before the kettle finished boiling. Treated myself to a cup of tea while watching a show on Netflix. 

Tried to focus but my attention was stuck on the way my t shirt was gripping to a big roll of fucking fat wrapped around my torso. 

Trying not to purge, trying not to purge. What to have for lunch..? Hmm well, if I sit in Starbucks while my little one is at nursery then I can have a cup of boiling water and add soup power to it, that’s 63kcals, that’s ok, right?

Feeling fat. Antidepressant taken, can’t purge, that needs to stay down just so I can bloody cope with the day. I had a dream about him last night; that’s what made me wake up wanting to purge, wanting to feel empty, wanting control, desperately wanting to feel in control of MY BODY. He makes me feel sick, he makes me feel worthless. 

He makes me feel guilty over not being able to get him off me that one time.

Please, please don’t stay torturing me for the entire day, I can’t take another day of it. 

All of these disgusting photos are this morning. Yeah I know, fucking disgusting. You don’t need to tell me.

I can’t even scroll through them. They’re so disgusting I am actually holding back tears. How did I ever let myself get so big and horrific? 


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