Or just numbness, really.
I was walking home from work late last night and I just wanted to stop and start crying, hysterically out of nowhere. I don’t know how or what to even feel at the moment. People tell me that the best revenge or being strong is to improve, hold my head up high and act like it doesn’t bother me, the rape. That me being depressed is him winning.
Like it’s that fucking easy? Really.
He raped me.
There you go, easy to move past? Someone you love being able to do that? Someone doing that to you, in your home environment, really? Its ok is it?
I struggle every single day. I bet he doesn’t though, he gets to pretend he never did what he did, never having to think about it and gets to be the long distance mate, or the nice guy in the office.
Well that’s not the real him, I saw the real him when he did what he did and that’s something I have to remember daily. When he ignored me trying to push him off. When he ignored me pleading with him to stop, grabbing at his shoulders and trying to push him off me.. And that’s what I struggle with, that.
I’ve most probably been tarnished as a mad ex, and you know what, I would dare any other person to be in that situation and not to act a bit mad, when battling with that. That.
What he did to me, you’re never going to behave well after finally confronting that serious damage, are you? That’s just human nature after all.
What that piece of vermin did to me, and pretended for months that it was an accident; knowing full well that I was so in love I would buy that excuse and everything would be fine, you know? And I pretended that for a long time, ignoring the pain, depression and anger it caused me. I hid that from everyone because I cared more about him, it’s pathetic and I can see that now.
So, I don’t doubt for a single second that he doesn’t care about what he’s caused, if he did he would be man enough to just say sorry, to ‘his victim’; but he’s a cowardly piece of vermin without a doubt.
So, we’ve been left with bad blood.
Is there a solution? Aside from either a proper and I mean proper face to face admission and apology, or the whole court case. The police already have everything they need to bring him in, it’s me that’s stopping them at the moment, depression and apathy; what a kicker.
I’ve lost another KG as well, the familiar never ending anxiety and apathy is back in full force and I can’t even manage a full meal. Its different from restricting because that makes me feel in control, which I crave; but this? This just fuels the pathetic victim facade that I’ve been hiding behind to stop having to confront how fucked up this all is.
I don’t even have the energy or self belief to make any kind of decision. How can he do what he did and be so inhuman to think he can leave it behind him? The sheer destruction he’s caused by his action(s).
I don’t find that human in the slightest.