I used to think I had suffered with depression before; recent times, this part year and a half really, have taught me otherwise.
I’ve never known anything like this. Its not a sadness, it’s a numbness. Its a devastating sudden apathy to every single thing that you used to love, the things that made you, you.
I’m in bed currently, feeling my world closing in, quicker than anything. My diabetes care today has been nonexistent and I’ve eaten nothing – might as well self destruct 100%, no half measures here, ha.
I want to crumble and cry hysterically, but I can’t. I just feel too numb to even cry, super weird right.
I just want to sleep but I’m too exhausted to, my brain is going as fast as anything as well. Nothing is stopping the flashbacks today, I hate it. I feel myself back there, underneath him, the pressure and the smells. Every nerve ending of mine relieving it and I just hate it so much.
Another afternoon spent in bed, crying, shaking and relieving every tiny detail of what he did.