Keep fighting. Keep speaking.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if it’s an accolade of some sort. Like, a triumph having caused such destruction to a person. Something to cherish and be proud of.

Pretty sick, eh.

You know how some idiotic men play ‘pull the pig’ and it’s seen as fun, a game, a merit to their hilarity; their manhood, well I wonder if this destruction he caused is viewed the same way? A job well done. Certainly left your mark.

I repeat, pretty sick.

It wouldn’t surprise me as like I’ve stated before; if he had a smidge of human decency then an apology would have been first and foremost on his agenda, not dismissing his actions and acting like he’s done nothing wrong. Nothing abhorrent. I wonder if he realises what he is yet. I wonder if he’s dropped his pathetic, absolutely pathetic and cowardly justification and idea of: ‘you’re only doing this so no one else will want me’…

I’m doing it because of what you did to me, rapist.

Simple. End of. No further reasoning.

At the beginning I would cry through self hatred and guilt, guilt that I had not spoken up about it and yes, quite frankly I was feeling immensely guilty that it meant he was free to go and do it to someone else. A loving relationship, I honestly don’t care about, but if he was to hurt some other woman who just made the mistake of believing his nice guy routine? If some other woman found herself in the position of struggling underneath him, having shearing (physical as well as mental) internal pain and refusing to speak about it due to misplaced loyalty?

Yeah, I feel guilty for that, believe me.

The simple thing is this. Do I care about him falling in love again? Nope. Do I care about him having some raunchy sex that levelled what we experienced together? Meh nope, as long as it’s consensual eh. Do I care about him experiencing life with someone else? Nope, couldn’t give a shit. What I care about is him believing that he’s gotten away with what he did, rape. Not forgetting physically hurting me in front of my child. Its not on. Here I am having to dampen my soul and spirit with antidepressants daily, just to function, while he gets to pretend he never did anything wrong, nothing immoral. Do you think that’s fair? Because I don’t.

Yeah, I’ve acted entirely mad throughout this, but fuck me, I dare anybody to have a sound mind while finally allowing yourself to realise exactly what has been done to you, AND how you hid it away at the detriment to your own health.  Spoiler alert: it is fucking horrendous and of course you’re not going to be neutral, this immoral waste of flesh didn’t just rape my body, it was also my life, soul, self esteem and positive mentality.

Crazy and fucked up is a total understatement, but Jesus, its the most natural reaction of the entire situation. No one would be able to stay level during this, no one. Some days I want to post him a letter addressed as ‘rapist’. One to his family addressed in a similar fashion. They should all know. He told me that they do, but I hardly think that’s true, he’s a pathetic coward after all. But everybody should know exactly what he did to me, what he’s truly capable of. I feel so stupid now, at the time being so in love with him, feeling so lucky you know? I can see now, abuse. Rape, physically hurting me, it was never that fairytale that he fooled me into thinking it was. I want(ed) to post his confession to his friends, the ones who probably think I’m lying or just made out to be crazy for no reason – there you go. There’s your friend (sorry, the token rapist) admitting what he did to me. Openly stating that he raped me.

I wonder if he allows himself to even feel slightly bad or remorseful. I wonder if he ever has to dream about it like I do. I wonder if he ever thinks about my Daughter who he (pretended, I think) to adore and what a horrendous, horrendous warning he’s become. I wonder if he realises that not apologising for what he did is not ever going to protect him in the long run. Cowardly and pathetic.

2 thoughts on “Keep fighting. Keep speaking.

  1. You are stronger than you know. Everytime you speak out gives you more strength. I’m here, I’ve been down a similar road. You might want to check out Survivors Blog Here we’re a collaborative site, advocating against Sexual Assault is one of my passions. Keep moving forward, even if nano steps, moving forward will lessen the anger and ultimately take you to the path of healing.
    Melinda

    Like

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