I woke up at 2am having had a flashback. I woke up shaken, panicky and already crying. Horrible. Really horrible.
To see myself back in that position, feeling how I did in that moment, weak, pathetic, scared, confused and well, absolutely heartbroken.
I had gone a few days without my antidepressants, and as I got lower I lost more and more interest in taking them again. Its my third day back on them properly, but the chemical changes in the brain are shocking, the highs and then the lows with just a missed dose, how you can so easily plummet back down, it’s easy to see how one can become dependant, isn’t it?
Anyway, that fucked my mood up from the start, so I decided to have a long warm bath, that made it even worse as I stood and fixated on all the disgusting bits of me, the ones that show how little control I have over what goes into my body, still. A rape and now food, weak as hell eh.
I’m writing this while having my breakfast before I head off to work. One slice of toast and I can’t even manage that.
What a joke.