Been a while. I have been meaning to blog, but, its a weird one because the whole outlook has sorta well, changed?
Firstly, I have been putting on weight and it doesn’t upset me anymore. Now as stupid as it sounds, I almost feel like a Mummy Tiger – there is more emphasis on having to be strong now, for me and for my daughter. Strength has overtaken destruction in order of importance, and I never really thought I would get to the point of being able to say that and truly believe it. But, I guess I have.
Secondly, I am two shifts away from completing my degree. Just two shifts, that’s 23 hours and I will have done it, I’ll be a fully qualified staff nurse, I can’t imagine ever doing anything else, at all. Fuck me, I am so proud of myself. Two years practically have been full of trauma, actually I would say two of the most traumatic events that a woman can ever experience – I have, both of them within the space of a year. Its been horrific, but even I can’t ignore how well I have done, just getting through day by day until the end is in sight. I’m really proud of myself – yes, another thing that I never ever thought I would say or think! But its true. When I said goodbye to baby I went and worked a 12 hour shift the very next day. Stupid or strong? I used to think strong but now I’m not so sure. I allowed myself to get upset about baby for the first time this year yesterday, I was looking at graduation outfits for my daughter to show off in when I get to collect my degree, its natural isn’t it, for baby to have flashed into my mind then, but for the first time it wasn’t completely tinged with sadness, not as much as before anyways. That shows growth I guess? Acceptance even?
Back to the never ending question of strength or stupidity again.
Gone are the days of feeling completely tempted to neck a whole lot of Sertraline just to feel suitably numb. Gone are the days where I would rather wish time and myself away.
I have no time for people anymore who want to keep me down, who try to kick me back down again with their negativity or foolish assumptions and beliefs… I have worked so fucking hard to stop hating myself or labelling myself as nothing more than some pathetic rape victim. I’m back to being proud of myself now. A hard worker. A Mum with a happy child. A new Nurse.
A work in progress.