Wasteful. Flashbacks. Purge.

I’ve already lost nearly 2lbs. Restricting is good. I had lunch today in Nando’s,  it had purged it about ten minutes afterwards, I felt rotten, and the longer it was inside me, I was overcome with the familiar self hatred and lack of control.

It’s a sticking point for me these days, the lack of control. I dreamt of him last night. Well not so much him, but what he did to me, again. It’s been a while since I’ve woken up with a nightmare regarding the rape, the flashbacks reappeared also. I woke up shaken and well, scared. I was awake for the next three hours, too afraid to attempt sleep again.

I ended up drifting off and luckily for me I managed a couple of peaceful hours.

I’ve made a vegetable ratatouille for dinner, but who am I even kidding? I won’t even manage a mouthful, will I.

Thank goodness.